The Official Joke Thread

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' ;

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

>>> CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE
>>>
>>> A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport
>>>
>>> The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain.
>>> We're on our final descent into
>>> Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and
>>> hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.
>>>
>>> He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane
>>> can hear his conversation from the
cockpit.
>>>
>>> The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,
>>>
>>> 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?'
>>>
>>> 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check
into the hotel,
>>> take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess
with the
>>> huge tits out for dinner....
>>>
>>> I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my
>>> room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.....'
>>>
>>> Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and
>>> immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure
>>> out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking
about.
>>>
>>> Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the
plane.
>>>
>>> She is
so embarrassed that she starts running toward the
>>> cockpit to turn the intercom off.
>>>
>>> Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and
down
>>> she goes.
>>>
>>> The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.
>>>
>>>
>>> He's gotta land the plane and take a shat first.'
>>>

Subject: Husband down in Aisle 3




Husband Down

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in
Their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife,
And so
They carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar
Of face cream and
Puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies
The wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its
Half the price.'

This is just wrong !

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers..

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?' ''Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger".

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid, when drunk
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will post 360 security, so you dont get caught

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents "Sir" or "Ma'am"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Know some wild shat will happen, and set up rally points alpha,bravo,and charlie.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we fucked up...but hey, that shat was fun!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: will tell you,"stop being a wife and come on!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will Low Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS:Know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you!

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Might try to hit on your girl/guy behind your back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Have hit on your girl/guy right in front of you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will never leave.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will buck up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore".
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will say "okay just one more" and then 2 minutes later "okay just one more".

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk shat to the person who talks shat about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will," knock them the fart out!!!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you."
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you if you get into trouble
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will be right down there pushing with you when you get into trouble.

FRIENDS: Will stand guard while u take a piss.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Will shine a spotlight on you while your drunk ass is taking a piss in the bushes.
---------------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up
-------------------------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Know some wild shat will happen, and set up rally points.
--------------------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...that shat was fun "
------------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Cry with you.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Laugh at you
---------------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.
--------------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Will Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.
--------------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
------------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
--------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
----------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Will buck up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out.
-------------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks for you all night long.
-----------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You better drink the rest of that shat, you know we
don't waste. That's alcohol abuse!!!" HAHAHAHA !!!!
------------------------------------------


FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week.

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.
---------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore".

MISSOURI FRIENDS: Will say "okay, just one more..." and then 2 minutes later "okay, just one more!".
-------------------------------------------------

FRIENDS: Will talk shat to the person who talks shat about you.

MISSOURI FRIENDS Will knock them the fart out!!

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one
Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.

The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you
been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?"

"No," replied, the policeman, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. one is crying. the other asks
what's wrong. the crying drunk says, "i've puked all over myself again and my
wife's gonna kill me. what do i do pal?"

The one drunk offers this advice: "explain to your wife that some other drunk
puked on you. put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk
was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sound like a great idea," says the crying drunk.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him
about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, "look for you, there's ten bucks
in my pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "wait a minute, i
thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," say the drunk, "but he s*** in my pants too!"

a woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle
bags"

New Terrorist Weapon

You May Be a Taliban, If ...

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

try using a different link for your pics, they dont open from the phohtbucket site when you post them up. use the img link.

who medic i see them all?

I see all the pictures too Nate? must be a firewall the military has?

I laughed till beer shot out my nose and my side hurt. You gotta watch.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1891760

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork; he was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks
and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want
to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
worth 50% of the mark." This equaled an 'A'.
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50%
because
you did it all through the muffler. I've never seen that done.

A hot lookin' lady from NY state, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her purchase so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a Bald Eagle that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got a crotch full of splinters. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examination room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the U.S. Forest Service,
the Bureau of Land management,
NYS Department of Environmental Conservation,
and the Adirondack Park Agency before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm sorry but they all turned me down."

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p!ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f*cking didn't."

You cannot make these up

".
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Karen, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P.....on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest in a long time and I am sure it echo’s the frustration call centre staff feel at times. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Personally, I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you log out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: “It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.”
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put yourself in the right angle where you can see?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......................................A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Tell me, do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!"

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Bad thing is i could see some people saying stuff like that...